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  The heat of him grew, and her breath stopped in her throat when, in a move that echoed far back into the past, Nathan slipped an arm around her back, fingers threading through a belt loop to tug her sideways against his body.

  “Got another mug of joe?” Even before Nathan finished the question, Kirby had brought another coffee cup out and filled it. Nathan claimed it from him and lifted the mug to his mouth for a sip. “He tell you about his little accident?”

  “I was just startin’ to when you so rudely interrupted.” Kirby’s grin took any heat from the words. “She seemed to be more worried about the bike than me.”

  “You weren’t even on the bike.” Nathan shook his head. “Man was wanderin’ through traffic like an idiot and got himself run over.”

  “Oh my God.” Cathy looked back at Kirby to see a fond expression on his face. “You really did get hit by a truck?”

  “There were extenuating circumstances.” He cupped a hand around his mouth and called across the room. “Dana, why did I get hit by a truck again?”

  To Cathy’s surprise, the woman blushed red as a beet before she turned her back to them and busied herself with something on the stovetop. Her words were addressed to the cabinets as she responded, “I don’t know, Kirby Westbrook, but I’m sure with you, there’s a story involved.”

  “You guys are together.” The words slipped from Cathy without her conscious approval, but when Nathan chuckled, she knew she was on point. “You and Dana? That’s awesome. I like her.”

  “How do you know her?” Nathan deflected her attention back to him. “You just met her, right?”

  “We’ve talked on the phone a couple of times.” Cathy downplayed the amount of planning that had gone into getting her and Katie here today. “She seems really nice.”

  “She is nice.” He raised his voice much as Kirby had. “Except when she’s stickin’ her nose into business that isn’t hers.”

  From the doorway, Oscar chimed in, “Don’t complain when it got you the Christmas present you wanted most in the world.” The whole scene was so damn homey. These men, joking and jostling for space along the prep area, picking on each other with such comfort and ease, felt just like an extended family. The respect and caring were apparent with every interaction, and the way they’d folded her and Katie into their holiday morning said so much about all of them.

  “I like what you’ve got here.” She waited a beat, but Nathan didn’t respond, so she lifted her mug in a tiny salute. “I understand now why you wanted this. I’m happy for you, Nathan. You deserve to have good friends like these.”

  “Brothers.” He shrugged, but his fingers dug a little deeper into her side, holding on tighter. “They’re my brothers. That’s what club means, you know?”

  “Like the squad.” She understood that, having presided over more than one barbecue where the unspoken conversations had rung as loudly as the spoken ones, where she could watch the wheel and turn of the group as they moved through a crowd, always aware of the presence and position of the other men they trusted and depended on. “That makes sense. Like I said—” She drained her mug and set it on the counter beside her hip. “I’m happy for you.”

  “But.” He’d tensed up, muscles ringing with strain as he prepared for something she didn’t understand.

  “But what?” She noticed Katie had crutched her way over to where Oscar stood and was peering up, talking to him. “No buts, I’m just happy for you.”

  “It’s a long way from the coast.”

  Ah. Now she understood where he was coming from with his apprehension. Maybe Nathan didn’t remember, but she’d been willing to follow him base-to-base through his career, and they’d had no less than seven different housing assignments on the various bases.

  He eyed his coffee for a moment. “Not a place to raise a family.”

  “Not this building, no.” The little home Oscar had settled her and Katie in was far better suited for the intimacy needed in a relationship. A marriage. A team to put back together, so the challenges could be more equally shared. She shrugged. “Plenty of other houses in Mayhan.”

  “Are you for real, Cath?” The hopeful look in his eyes eased the grip fear had on her heart. “I wasn’t kind.” The noise in the kitchen and dining area had grown subdued, and she knew the men were all listening in, part of the defense of the group to ensure they knew what was gong on with one of their own. That way they could help Nathan get past whatever rejection he seemed so certain was coming. “Not at all. I was a dick to you.”

  She turned to him, needing to see his face as he listened to what she had to say. I didn’t plan on an audience like this. It didn’t matter. Nathan needed to hear it, and if he wanted to do this here, thinking maybe his little troop of onlookers would keep her from saying what was in her heart, then he would get it here, both barrels.

  Chapter Five

  Nathan

  He watched the expression on Cathy’s face change, hardening into a mask he didn’t recognize, didn’t like. I did that. I changed her. Echoes of his shouted insults rang through his head, and he cringed inside. He’d been such an ass to her, trying hard to drive her away, because he hadn’t felt worthy of a woman like her. Whole, loving, with so much potential. He’d been convinced it would be better for her if he dropped from her life entirely and let her move on with someone else. Someone not crippled, not chased by demons every moment of the day.

  “When you—”

  “Wait, before you—” He butted in before she had a chance to say anything, giving her words that were inadequate and small, but all he had. Setting his mug down, he fumbled for her hand, the left one, the one that had made her his all those years ago, he blurted, “I need you to know I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry?” Her voice rose on the end of the word, until the sound lashed through the air like a whip. “You’re sorry?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t do right by you.” Hands shaking, he tightened his hold, trying to hide the reaction from Cathy. She hadn’t moved out of his grip, so he anchored himself with the feel of her under his palm, heat and flesh, the body of the woman he loved, a body he knew so well. Memorized every inch of her with touch, caresses, and love.

  “No, you didn’t. You need me to know you’re sorry?”

  He nodded, since those words meant at least she’d heard him. Even if she turned and walked out right now, he’d know she’d heard him and understood a small part of what he’d wanted to say.

  “Well, I need you to know a couple of things, too. You ready to listen to me?” Her jaw firmed as she waited for his response, chin jutting forwards in that expression her father had called the “oh shit” look. That was the same look little Katie had given him not ten minutes ago as she’d made clear her determination to help him walk with the crutches.

  “Yeah, Cath. I’m ready.”

  “Fuckin’ finally,” Kirby muttered as he turned away, facing the coffeemaker.

  “You were the worst kind of jerk, and I hated you for a hot minute.” Her words cut so deep it was a wonder he wasn’t bleeding out. “You made me doubt my role, my place in your life. Made me doubt the things I knew about you, because you weren’t the same man.” She shook her head. “I’d never seen you mean, but, Nathan, you crafted words like weapons and aimed them right at me, and that…” She pulled in a breath and he felt every suppressed sob as her chest hitched. “That hurt more than you will ever know. You knew all my weakest points and attacked them ruthlessly. Every time I saw you in the hospital, you pulled the rug out from under me and laid me out. Then you took away even that when you told them I couldn’t see you anymore. You barred me from bringing our daughter to see you, banned me from your presence without a word of explanation to me.”

  He barely remembered those days; they had become a muddle of dark memories, lost hours of deadly impulses twisting inside him until he could scarcely recognize himself. He knew he’d done everything she recited now, but it seemed like someone else had said those things, made those dem
ands—and, in the process, cut his family into pieces.

  Loud, voice ringing through the room, she gave him another sliver of hope. “But that wasn’t you.”

  He rocked back on his heel at the force of her declaration, using the angled foot piece of his prosthesis to balance.

  “That wasn’t you. That was this monster created by the terrible, terrible things that had happened to you. And I don’t blame you, Nathan. That’s what I need you to hear and understand. You had a life-changing event happen. The injury took so much from you without your permission. Your leg, your job, your place in life—and your family. The Nathan I know and love, the Daddy that our Katie loves—that man would never have intentionally hurt us. That Nathan was stripped from you, from us, by circumstances beyond our control.” She leaned in, conviction blazing from her eyes, a look of firm determination emblazoned on her face. “I want that Nathan back.”

  He opened his mouth, and she shook her head, cutting him off.

  “No, not what you’re thinking. I know we can’t go back to before your injury. But we can go forward to what we can be together. Our relationship, my love, Katie’s love—none of that is dependent on you having two feet, two legs, or any single physical characteristic. It’s built on the man you are inside.” She thumped his chest with the back of her hand, and he took the blow, ready to take on much more than that if she needed him to. He’d take anything from her if it meant she kept talking like this, kept forgiving him when he’d said and done such inexcusable things.

  “The man you are in your heart and mind, that’s what I want back. You told me a few minutes ago that you love me. Is that really true?”

  He nodded quickly, not caring what it said that a deep sense of relief drove the motion.

  “Well, I love you, too. So much, Nathan.” Her face softened, eyes warming as she stared at him. “You want to know why I’m here?”

  “Christmas?”

  She rolled her eyes, and he swallowed, suddenly terrified. If she wasn’t just here for the holidays, then that might open the door to what he wanted most in the world. He needed his family, but he needed the brotherhood he’d found in the club, too. “Why are you here, Cath? If not for Christmas, then why?”

  “I want my family back.” He nearly shouted with joy at her words but held back, still not believing. “I’m willing to work to make it happen. Willing to do whatever it takes. You like what you’re building here?”

  He stared at her, then gave a slow, single nod, hoping she’d understand that it hadn’t been about doing it without her but that the club gave him something he couldn’t do without. “Like’s an understatement.”

  “I get that, and after being here just the little time I have been, I see how much it matters. That’s fine. I think that’s something that’s outside the us I want back.”

  “How did I get so lucky?” Rocked by the roller coaster of emotions, he shook his head as he pulled her a little closer. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “I don’t deserve you.” She repeated his words back to him immediately, and they struck deep because she was right.

  “You’re right. You do deserve so much more.”

  She rolled her eyes again, that expression somehow managing to convey irritation and amusement. “God, you’re so dense sometimes. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant it how you said it to me. The same, Nathan, the same. I don’t feel like I’ve done enough good in the world to deserve to have you in my life. That’s what I meant, not that I felt like you were a burden. You’re not, never have been.” She laughed, but the sound of it was wet, thick, and he knew she was close to tears. “Oh, you’ve been a pain in my ass sometimes, but you’re my pain in the ass. No one else’s.”

  “You still want me? All of that, and you aren’t kickin’ me to the curb?” Although she tried to blink it away, from this close, he could see the welling moisture in her eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Cath.”

  “Then let’s figure this out together.” Her chin lifted a fraction of an inch higher. “You and me, just like it’s always been.”

  “You and me.” He glanced around the room, ultra-conscious of the sideways glances from the men. Dana was staring unabashedly, even offering him a grin and a tiny wave when he looked at her. “You hungry, or you up for getting out of here?”

  “Let’s go talk somewhere private. You said you can go a few blocks without too much trouble?” He nodded, gaze focused on her. She smiled and rested her palm on his chest. “Then let me show you where Katie and I are staying for this week.”

  “A week?” His heart leapt in his chest. Not a day, not even a couple of days, which was all he’d allowed himself to hope for when he’d granted the thought enough space in his head. A week was outside of anything he could have dared dream, and the way things were going on day one, it boded well for him. “I get you for a week?”

  “Yeah, then I’ve got work and Katie has preschool.” She paused, then the tips of her ears blushed when she said, “We should make the most of it.”

  “I’ve got the kiddo,” Dana called, followed by a growling chorus of men’s voices offering the same assistance.

  There was a tug at his pant leg, and he looked down into Katie’s eyes. “How about you, punkin? You think Daddy should walk Mommy back to the little house?”

  Her nose crinkled. “Do I hafta go, too? Mr. Oscar said he’s got vibeo games.”

  “Video,” Cathy prompted, and Katie nodded in agreement.

  “Vibeo.” Her eyes grew round. “Do you need me to help you with the thingies?”

  Nathan shook his head. “No, sweetheart. Daddy can manage the crutches without you this once. You want to stay here, then?”

  “Oh, yes.” Katie cut her gaze up to Cathy’s face. “Is that okay, Mommy?”

  “Yeah, baby. That’s fine. We’re not going far.” Nathan looked at her to find Cathy was studiously staring elsewhere. “You sure you’re okay here?”

  “I promise we’ll take good care of her.” Kirby walked up beside Nathan. “Katie, do you remember how to pinkie promise?” She nodded eagerly. “Okay, I want you to pinkie promise me you’ll be a good girl, and then I’ll pinkie promise Mommy that you’ll be safe here.” He held out his hand, and Nathan choked up unexpectedly at the sight of his little girl reaching up to grasp Kirby’s smallest finger with her own, curling her tender flesh around that scarred and rough digit easily four times the size of hers.

  “I promise.”

  The words echoed through him, shredding his confidence with the thoughts they stirred.

  I promised so many things.

  Promised to be a good husband, and he’d failed miserably. Promised to keep his little girl happy, and she’d already cried today. Promised to protect and serve, and instead had wound up crippled and useless.

  A familiar wave of darkness rolled over him, and Nathan turned away from the scene, grabbed the crutches, and shoved them underneath his arms. He’d known it was too good to be true. I was right all along. Cathy would be better off without me. He rocked his way to the front door, and without waiting, lurched through it, slapping the outside door closed behind him with a brusque movement. Whole world would be better off. Navigating the steps one at a time, crutches and bad leg first, then the rest of him, until, hunched over like a bell ringer, he got to the sidewalk and realized he didn’t know which direction to go.

  “Fuck.”

  “What’s wrong?” Cathy skipped down the stairs, navigating them nimbly, surefooted on the broad steps.

  “Nothing.” He swallowed the rest of what he wanted to say and stared at the concrete underneath his feet. Foot. “Where’s this guest house?” It was safer to set things up for how he expected them to go. No matter what had been said so far, he knew better than to think Cathy had come all this way for the possibility of a reunion. Guest house, not a home. Not something he could share with her and Katie. Blackness swirled around his thoughts. She’s probably got divorce papers in her suitcase, ready for my signature.
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  Her eyes narrowed and she frowned, then lifted her chin, and he nearly swung her into his arms right there. That woman staring at him was his Cath, the one he’d expected to spend the rest of his days adoring.

  “Left one block, then left again, two blocks.” She didn’t move, holding her position on the bottom step, still just shorter than he was. “And whatever that was in there”—she gestured behind her to the closed door, the house lit with Christmas lights, now dim in the day’s sunshine—“it wasn’t nothing. But I want you to tell me in your own time, so I’ll let it slide for now.” She stepped down, took a few strides, and then turned to look where he still stood in his tracks. “Are you coming with me?”

  He took her in, standing there with a fierce expression etched on her face, as if she were a warrior ready for a battle. This wasn’t a woman who was willing to throw in the towel. She might have been taken off guard inside, that unbalanced moment gifting him a glimpse of the softer side of his Cath. Through the years he’d watched her change personas as needed, going from pleasant to sweet, determined and strong. He’d seen her hurt and confused, backing away from the venom spewing from his mouth, retreating. He should have known it wasn’t a real withdrawal. No, Cath might have needed a few months to gather herself, but so had he.

  She swallowed, and he watched the muscles in her throat move in that surrender to whatever nerves she held at bay. Her eyes softened, and before she could say anything else, he pulled himself upright, no longer leaning on the crutches. “Yeah, Cath. Yeah, sure. I’m with you.”

  “You don’t get to do that, Nathan Smith.” She advanced on him, covering the few paces between them quickly. He didn’t flinch when she slapped him hard in the chest. “You don’t get to be mine, and then gone, and then pretend to want to be mine again.” She poked him. “You don’t get to give me all of you, and make me love you, and then take yourself away from me and Katie. You wanna know why I’m here, today? Do you?”